Why African Babies Don't Cry

Well, I've hit the 7 month mark and it's starting to dawn on me that I have to go through child birth again! You'd think I'd have realised this before now! It's going to hurt, but I'm going to have the wonder drugs again and it will all be over within a day, is the mantra going on in my head at the moment. Strangely though, I'm not worried about sleepless nights and endless crying, basically because I didn't go through that with my daughter. No she wasn't an angel child, a one off perfect baby, what made all the difference was I listened to my partner.

Africans look after newborns in an entirely different way to us Europeans. They cosleep, they breast feed and wear their babies constantly on their backs, when they're not attached to the boob, as the norm. The mother is 100% available for the baby and bugger everything else. My partner took a complete backseat when our daughter was born, but not in a bad way. He carefully stayed close enough to us to keep an eye out and offer advice and support that I was doing the right thing, but he slept in a different bed, there was no pressure for us to resume our sex life. In his mind, and education, baby came first and I as the mother should be there for her 24/7. If she started to cry, he would simply say put her on the breast. My inital reaction was, but she's already been fed she can't still be hungry! But he was right, she just wanted to be on the breast, it was her comfort. We coslept, I can't recall ever having a sleepless night with her when she was a newborn. She would wake up, sniff out the boob, feed and fall back to sleep, 9 times out of 10 I would bearly stir, just long enough to make sure she wouldn't choke!

I couldn't carry her on my back because I have back problems and she was a chunky baby, but the constant closeness to me meant she didn't suffer from collic. A few times we went through the 7pm screaming, but overall I would just stop whatever I was doing and sit down and put her on the breast. Within minutes she'd nod off.

Sounds like I was a prisoner to my baby! But quite the opposite, I was more able to put her down and do things than I could see my friends were able to with their newborns. I would surround her with big cushions and make a sort of cushion fort around her to make her feel safe, and I was free to breathe. I went back to work when she was 2 and a half months, French maternity leave being the shortest in the world! But it wasn't a problem. My little girl felt safe and loved. She never questioned that I wouldn't be there for her, so she would gurgle away happily in her carry cot, safe in the knowledge that when hunger struck or the world suddenly became overwhelming, Mummy would be there.

So as much as I'm not looking forward to the pain and the pushing, I'm comforted my the memories of my daughter as a newborn and safe in the knowledge that my partner has got my back.

My Children My Responsability

I am who I am today because of my education. I went to a Catholic school but my family was in no way religious. I was taught to pray and believe in a higher power yet at home my parents told me otherwise. I grew up living both sides. As I got older I began to see more clearly the dangers of religion my dad had been warning me about. Religion is run by men, if there is a God his message has been interpreted and dishorted by men. He was very clear in making me aware of how doctrine had always been anti female. He told me there was nothing wrong with faith, and it is to be respected but be aware of the power hungry man.

I am grateful for his honesty. I grew up grounded and capable of respectful debate. Now my children are to grow up in a home with an athiest mother and a muslim father. I will teach my children the exact same message. Respect other people's choices but know when to act when their choices prevent you from making yours.

My daughter will grow up to know her worth and to refuse anyone or anything that considers her inferieur. She will learn the customs and traditions of her father's beliefs but she will be free to make her own choice, without worrying about disappointing either of us.

When I first met my partner he was a very different person. He was never a radical muslim but he did have some strong beliefs about a woman's place being at home with the children and the man bringing home the chicken (can't really say bacon in his case can I?!). But he met his match with me! I have a brain and a mouth and I used both of them. Over the years our debates became less heated and I came to see the goodside of his traditions and he began to see that a strong minded woman is nothing to be afraid of, quite the opposite.

Since our daughter was born his views have changed again. He wants her to be independant. To never need a man (apart from him of course!). He knows that if he walked out today I would be more than capable to stand on my own two feet, and he sees the merit in my education.

We have a second child on the way, and although not yet confirmed, we both have a strong feeling it's a boy. This is where it's going to get interesting! I certainly won't be bringing him up to think he's the most special boy in the world. I have all too often been around parents who have sons & daughters and seen the daughters expected to do chores and the sons not to. Believe me that won't be happening here! As Tiana wil learn basic plumbing & DIY, my son will learn the difference between a washing machine and a tumble dryer (I'm speaking from experience here, I've lost count of the amount of times my partner has put the washing in the tumble dryer first!).

Educating my children is a job I have no right to fail at. I will not rely on school or friends to teach my children. I will bring them up to question everything, nothing is black & white. If Tiana was a bit older I would have explained truthfully what happened here in France this week. There is a fine line between preserving childhood innocence and throwing ignorant 18 year olds out into a very imperfect world.

They will grow up in a multicultural home where tolerance and freedom of speech & choice is the backbone of our happy family life. They wil grow up with both parents enjoying fulfilling careers and a balanced private life. They will grow up seeing their father hoover and cook and their mother checking the oil in the car and unblocking drains!

They will grow up with freedom but knowing mutual trust is key. We will travel, experience other cultures. They will spend time with their African family and their English family. They will grow up being proud of their diversity.

They will know the history of black oppression by the white man, and see first hand how times have changed, how from generation to generation we can create a fairer place. They will know the fight of women and their responsability in this world to keep up the fight so everybody is equal. They will know we live in a dangerous world but not to be afraid to live. They will be free to have their own opinions but learn to express them respectfully and after much self evaluation.

They will know their time here is limited but their footprints will last an eternity. I will teach them their actions have direct consequences, being an ostrich in this world makes you part of the problem.

Education starts at home. We choose to bring these little creatures into this world, it is our responsibilty as parents to mould them into good people.

Parenting is more then "brush your teeth" "say please and thank you". What your child grows up hearing and seeing will be the foundations for the person they become.

Shower them with hugs and kisses but shower them equally with knowledge and sense of responsibility for all humanity and maybe we will be one step closer to an united world.